Hi there!

It has been a long time, almost two years...that's freakin' crazy. Time flies when you're having fun. Or not, lol. Life has been good, I will say, so many lessons learned since I've last posted. Looking forward to catching up with your readings and hopefully you will be back to read me. Until then...peace and blessings!

Falling...

It has been such a long time. I've dated some really good men, just not good for me. But, I think he's finally found me.

After each experience, I've looked at myself, adjusted accordingly, but, only if it was necessary. I'm amazed how how much I've grown, especially in regards to what was important, in past relationships and now. Although no one is perfect, this man is so perfect for me.

I just wanted to share. :-)

Going...going...oh yea - he is gone!

This is somewhat of a follow-up from my very first post. I was surprised at the number of responses, most of them made via email or Twitter DM. I think I need your help in understanding this, but, you know, I could just be over-reacting.

Anyhoo...

Life has been quiet and peaceful since Tori's dad has given me full custody, for me anyway. There was some suffering at home, in regards to Tori's behavior and grades. Not horribly bad, however, it was evident that the situation affected her. The attitude is just that of a typical teen now and the grades are picking back up, thank goodness.

Still, in the meantime, there has been a birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter. No cards, no phone call...not even a smoke signal.

I made an appointment for us both to get our eyes examined. They asked for insurance info to verify before hand. Turned out that Tori was double covered, which is a hot mess. Both companies trying to decide who will pay and I end up with the bill. I terminated child support when her dad gave me full custody, which also meant that he didn't have to continue providing her with medical insurance. I decided to contact him, via email, to ask when open enrollment was, so I could see if I needed to schedule the appointment thereafter, assuming that's when he'd drop her. It was brief and to the point.

His reply? Pretty much the same. "I haven't had Tori covered for about a year. Hope this helps." I thanked him and kept it moving. Then it hit me, and honestly, not until the next day... but, that mutha f@#%@ didn't even ask how she was doing? I mean, ARE YOU SERIOUS? I'm thinking, "could you have pretended to care?" How do you just move on in life and disregard a human being you helped create. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

I could care less if he EVER speaks to me again, trust me when I say that. But, WOW. I mean, hell, that's all I can say is WOW. I'm just feeling all kinds of ways about this, mostly sad for her. And honestly, a little lost. Disappointed. Disgusted. Angry. How can someone "remove" themselves, emotionally, from a situation like that? How?

Dating in a Color Struck World

I had a night out with some friends this past weekend and had a fantastic time. With my full-time job, part-time job, raising a teen, trying to write this book - I just don't get out often enough. We were out celebrating a birthday though. We went to a nice place downtown called Noma's. Restaurant by day and apparently a "club" by night (although, it didn't have that CLUB feel, thank goodness). I was pleasantly surprised to see how diverse the spot was!! The music, the people - all races, ages! I was like - wow, ok - it's on the list, for sure!!

I had a glass of wine, some wings...danced to a couple of songs - then I finally settled in at a table, observing. It's packed and people are still trying to squeeze in.

I noticed a couple of nice looking brotha's, but realized they weren't paying us too much attention. So before taking a seat, guess who we were dancing with, lol? White women. Didn't really pay that too much attention at first...because, I mean, we just do that (right?).

Now the birthday girl is a little loud (but respectful), so she starting being a little more forward with greeting folk. They'd smile and keep it moving. We later noticed that most of them were ending up leaning on the bar or sitting at a table with women that were not of color. I was thinking, nahhh, that can't be what's happening. The birthday girl had gone off to the bar and some guy ended up following her back to the table. We all smiled, said hello. His words were not hello - hi, my name is... This guy says, "oh snapppppp....why didn't you tell me you had some red bones at the table?!?" She was like, huh - what da?? That was my confirmation right then and there. I was like dang. No seriously. omg - fa real, did he just say that out loud? Let's roll. Ugh.

Please don't get me wrong. I should definitely be checking the OTHER box under race. And I've dated outside my race as well. I think I was just overwhelmed with the, with the....hell, I don't know what it was. I felt invisible. I mean, have our black men given up on us? Or we on them.

Dating is already hard. Then add that I'm a single parent. And I'm 41. And now I'm not light enough? I might have to throw in the towel. I give.

What's Mine is Mine.....

I had the most interesting conversation with a guy friend. We discussed roles, responsibilities and expectations in relationships, and how all that has changed from our parents to now. He and I seem to have had similar backgrounds. Dad handled majority of the bills – mortgage, cars, utilities, yard work, handyman stuff …while mom handled household items, kids clothes, PTA’s, volunteering at school, cheerleading/football practice.

Now we are in this different time. However, his views of family are the ones he experienced (he has no children, never been married). Mine are what I experienced as well, but my reality is slightly different. I think I have done well as a single mom. One accomplishment is that I’ve purchased a home.

Well….the conversation got a little heated when I brought up prenuptial agreements. I stated that if I were to get married and my husband moved into my house, he would have to sign one, stating he had no interest in the home if the marriage ended. He didn’t help me make the purchase and if the marriage didn’t work, I didn’t want him to have any rights to it. It's nothing fancy or extravagant, but it's home. I saw the smoke coming out of my friends ears through the telephone! Funny, because this is why I love talking with this person. Something about people that make your wheels turn. Anyhoo….. he told me that he felt like I was “tagging” the marriage as one that would fail. I said, “What the hell are you talking about!?! Nooooo, I bought this house to will to my daughter, not for someone to take and make it theirs, or where I would be forced to sell and start over. It’s ours (yet still mine) as long as we’re together.” So then, he asked what I’d do if I were to marry someone that had a home as well, and he wanted my daughter and I to move into his. “I don’t have a problem with that, but I’m not letting go of my house, and he would still have to sign a prenuptial agreement. And yes, I would sign one for his.” He argues that I’m setting up an unstable foundation within the relationship…that I’m basically saying “I don’t trust you and I don’t have faith in our marriage.” I’m thinking that I’m trying to build my daughters wealth…but he was on some other ish. Or was he?

What do ya’ll think??

My Contribution to the Broken Family

I'm feeling some kinda way about an upcoming court appearance I have with my daughter's father. It's a final stage for him, but possibly a continuous cycle of confusion for my daughter. Shooot, maybe I'm just being a drama queen.

It was a relationship that I knew wouldn't be long term. The true definition of Mr. Right Now. Never would have guessed in a million years that a child would have been conceived. Nonetheless, she is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Those with children will understand that. The relationship ended before I found out I was pregnant. He asked me to reconsider, after telling him the news, saying that my decision was hormonal. :-/ Well, I don't believe in staying with anyone for the kids, that just would have been a hot mess.

Although Custody/Visitation and Child Support were Ordered, he didn't appear to play dad until she was 6. I tried to be fair and reasonable, working with him on building a relationship with her. He, at this point, is married with 2 other children. He insisted on immediate overnight visits. He never did really grasp the concept that he was a total stranger to her. He even had the audacity to think (and said it) that because "they were blood", there would be an immediate bond.

For the next several years, I dealt with arguments during exchanges, that I always tried to avoid. The look of fear, concern and anger was all over her face as they sped away for his scheduled weekend. Way too much for a child to see. In and out of court with accusations of me being unfit. He would twist and turn that Court Order around to make me in contempt of breathing. His wife was ALWAYS on the other line when he called. Most times, they would gang up on me about the most insane things. My daughter would come back home withdrawn and angry, even afraid to to talk to me sometimes. She, after some time, told me that he would have her in a room, asking questions about everything from what she ate to who was coming to visit mommy. Oh, and no one was in and out, he made me too afraid to date (for the most part). Anyhoo..he's been to the school and had counselors thinking she needed to be watched because things were unstable at home. Now, no one is perfect, but I thought I was doing well for us. Stable employment - same job seemed like forever, purchased a home, clubs at school, girl scouts, volunteer, church... yet, his address and jobs changed annually and child support was never consistent. His wife did, eventually, come around and she and I built a decent relationship, for the sake of my daughter....and my daughter loves her. And she loves her brother and sister. I needed that. I needed to feel like my daughter was being really loved while she was away from me. She hated going over there. Those were her words. It ate at me while she was away.

I would let him get away with quite a bit, to avoid confrontation, but, I finally fought back after he didn't return her from being with him for the summer. He waited until the night before the first day of school to bring her home. The harassment didn't stop, but it cut back significantly...then it did stop. For a minute, his visits were sporadic, making excuses when he cancelled...then he didn't even call to cancel...or he just wouldn't show.

This past summer rolled around and he called for his visit. I was like, well damn...ok, where did that come from? I tried to paint a pretty picture....that she would be able to hang out with her sister, video games with her brother, hang with friends she made there. Yeahhh, I got the side eye, lol. She was there a good week, if that. I get a call about 11pm-ish, on a Tuesday night. Everyone knows that's the middle of the night to me, especially during the week, so I was feeling under the pillow for my cell, cursing up some stuff! Then I saw that it was him and flipped to panic mode....answering oh my God...whats wrong?!? He asked me to calm dawn, nothing was wrong...added, that he needed me to pick her up tomorrow morning, before I went to work. I'm straight sitting up in the bed at this point. Confused. Actually, I thought I was dreaming. He must have picked up that I was only partially coherent. "I need for you to wake up, there's something I need to talk to you about". I was like bruh, I'm up....you're killing me - what the hell is wrong?!? "I want to terminate my parental rights." Although I was in the bed, I think my stomach dropped to the floor. Then my heart. "I can't afford to take care of it, so if you want it done, you will have to do it." I sat silently.

That was 6 months ago and my daughter just turned 14 yesterday. I didn't agree to terminate his rights, however, he did give me sole custody - with the exchange of terminating child support. I discussed the visits with my daughter, however, I didn't want her to feel the outcome was completely based on what she said. After all, she is a child AND I had to keep in mind, as much as he got on my nerves, he is her dad. She stated that she wanted to go under her terms. That sounded reasonable to me. But she's in no hurry, trust. See, one of the last things he said to her was, "tell your brother and sister good-bye, this will be the last time you will see them." She was devastated, justifiably so.

So...he chose to end his relationship with his daughter so he didn't have to pay $246.00 per month. That's what I scrapped from the bottom of the pot. I'd never say that to my daughter, of course, but wow. I wonder how he can look at himself in the mirror? Or how his wife lays beside him at night.... I sleep better at night and I have no drama in my life...but this isn't about me. She's the teenager she's supposed to be, life is moving on for her...but that missing piece to her life puzzle... What foreign objects will she place there to fill that void? Is there something I can do so that she won't feel the need to fill it?

I didn't mean for that to be this long. sorry, lol.